So many women I work and play with come with a common need: to reconnect with part of themselves that they have lost.


I know this feeling. I’m quite familiar with it, in fact. But I also know sometimes that being who we ‘used to be’ isn’t a fair or realistic option.

When I watch one of my favorite shows, A & E’s, Intervention, and the family’s all joined together to tearfully read their pleas for rehab to their addicted loved one, something they often say jostles me. Many times, they’ll say something along the lines of… “I just want the old you back…”

But is it the “old” version of them that really needs returning?

I’m not saying I can’t or don’t relate to the despair of loving someone with an addiction, I get it, on a very intimate level, in fact.

I’m also not saying that I can’t understand the human inclination we sometimes have to wish we could ‘rewind life’ and go back to a simpler time, a more innocent time. I get that, too.

But I also think this: The ‘old’ version of the addict is the one that became addicted. The one that was suffering, and numbing out in various ways, hiding secret pain, secret shame, and heading in the direction of the very addiction that brought them to the NOW. The exact and perfect now, the only place where NEW can begin.

Why not start right there?

So that’s what I’m reminded of when women I work and play with talk about wanting to be who they used to be…

“I used to be so free. I used to be so thin. I used to be so confident. I used to be so sexy. I used to be so strong. I used to be so happy…” I get that, too.

But what I also know is this: There is an even better version of you than the past version of you. After all, the past version of you became ‘outdated’ for a reason.

The NEW version of you will be a beautiful and organic combination of who you are NOW, and who you have been.

Take ALL of it… the good, the bad, the strength, the pain, the mistakes, the glory, the extra weight, the laugh lines, the attitude, the insecurities, the lessons, the mysteries, the tenderness and grace that you have earned along the way.

All of it is necessary for the perfect recipe, the magic formula, the miraculous terrain, the Divine Totality of the You that you are becoming.

Instead of striving for who you used to be, (she’s gone, after all…) lean into the completely NEW, more exalted, more sovereign, more complete, more integrated, more healed and more experienced version of yourself.

And in your new glory, you can be thankful for who you used to be, who you are now, and who you are becoming.

Always, you are becoming.


I am becoming too,
Lisa Carmen

To-do list or not to-do list. That is the question.

So… today is day one of my week without a to-do list… supposedly…

So far, I’m anxious and a little overwhelmed. Almost decided to cancel the whole thing, and resort to the safety of my to-do list, but I decided to at least try it for these reasons…

1.      I’ve learned to recognize trepidation combined with excitement is usually a sign that I am about to head into a new direction and that on the other side there are gifts for me- usually of the GROWTH kind.

2.      There’s a part of me that knows that my to-do list story, ie, “I need my to-do list to survive, to manage my life/day…” is just that: a story. I’m curiously approaching my stories lately, drawn to experimenting with their validity. Wondering: Who am I without this story? What might happen? What can unfold?

3.      I’m curious how “the other people” live- you know, the ones who don’t make four lists every day of the things they need to accomplish. They talk a lot about this “flow” thing. I want to find my flow.

4.      It’s like taking a pacifier away from a baby. The baby doesn’t NEED her pacifier. She just thinks she does. What if I don’t really need a to-do list, I just rely on it for the illusion of control and order? I want to find out.

5.      So much of my work supporting women is about learning to 'hear the monkey chatter and do it anyway" Well the monkey chatter is going nuts this morning: You won’t know what to do. You’ll forget to do important things. You’ll be scattered and unfocused. You’ll be overwhelmed if you don’t get everything out of your head and onto paper. You'll be ineffective. You'll bounce around manically all day. The truth is, I’m scattered and unfocused often WITH a to-do list.  I’m overwhelmed on a regular basis. I bounce around all day. Is the list maintaining in some magical way, my sanity? Something tells me no.

6.      I'm not one to "usually" sit with discomfort. In fact, it's something I avoid on a regular basis. Another story I am challenging- can I be with this discomfort, and not run, numb, dodge, avoid, 'self-medicate', distract, resist, give in, scamper back to 'safety'? Something tells me yes.

7.     Deep inside, past the chatter, past the discomfort is a feeling, an inquiry, a desire for freedom. I think I might find freedom away from the tyranny of the lists. Maybe.

Right now though, I’m struggling with the urge to fold and just grab my notebook and make my four lists. (Each day, I create one for MoveStudio, one for SacredSexyU, one for personal “life” tasks and one for errands or things I need to do outside of the house.)  I’m realizing that this discomfort comes from the false sense of security my lists give me. 

I’m wondering how my day will unfold without them. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I’m uncomfortable. But I’m gonna do it anyway. Tomorrow, I might go scampering back to the lists… but just for today, I’m in. I’m experimenting with comfort zones. I’m looking for my flow.